im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
