how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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