According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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