Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
