We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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