I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
