when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
