I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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