The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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