I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize