six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
