Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i came on her dog
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
