Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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