I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
