The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
