I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
