I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
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All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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