I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
