my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
