I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
