Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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