I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
