im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
