She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important