Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it