Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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