none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Randomize
