Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
