If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
