watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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