Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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