i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
