my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
