dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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