just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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