I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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