Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.