Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.