She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE