the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
where does the pee come out of this thing
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
