I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.