I hate all girls vehemently.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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