Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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