i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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