I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
