dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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