saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
