Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
