I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
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Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
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I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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