Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
last night I used snow as a chaser
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
