I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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