Already got asked if we're dating
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
