Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
