you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
