Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
