I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
