I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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