He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
